When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around.
But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
Quote attributed to Mark Twain (though it doesn’t really fit with his biography)
That old quote was a favourite of my father’s when I was growing up and even though it’s taken more than seven years, I’ve really come to appreciate the humour and sentiments behind it more and more.
A little over twenty years ago, I found myself in a new job my younger self would have ever imagined doing in a million years.
Father of a baby human being.
Who would have imagined that?
I’ve always been somewhat amused that we need a licence from the state to get married and we need training up and licencing to drive a car round but becoming a parent? Nah mate…no need to sit any exams or prove even the slightest amount of proficiency at the basics of being responsible for the care and feeding of a defenceless baby that will be calling you father with all of the innocence that youth can muster and not think it a cosmic joke.
At the time, I didn’t think I was going to be totally hopeless at the job as I had done diaper duty (with emphasis on *DOO*!) and the other basics with my brother and sister but I was definitely well past my sell-by date in terms of practical application of long unused skills.
That being said, I was signed up for a boot camp for new dads course at WakeMed where these harried gents would bring their newborn babies round for us to practise the basics of holding and doing the baby’s nappies and try to pass along their hard-learnt wisdom to those of us who were about to have our worlds turned totally upside down!
Honestly, that was probably one of the best Father’s Day gifts I’d ever gotten even though it was well before the actual day that year owing to the fact that Nicholas was born in May of 2003. I was surprised to find that they’re still running the course 20 years on and that $25 course fee is an absolute steal.
My father didn’t come to the job with a whole lot of training, either.
On one particularly talkative evening when he decided to spill some of his secrets, he shared with me that his techniques were modeled after a combination of Sheriff Andy Taylor from “The Andy Griffith Show” and some of the better bits from Bill Cosby’s stand-up routine “Bill Cosby: Himself” (especially the bit “Kids Have Brain Damage”). I realise that Bill Cosby has rightfully fallen from favour with recent revelations of deplorable behaviour but that doesn’t mean he wasn’t a gifted stand-up comedian in his day and I do believe that “Bill Cosby: Himself” should be required viewing for anyone mad enough to want to take on the job of parent.
The part of his parental modeling that he didn’t admit to that night was that there was a third part of his Holy Trinity of Parental Wisdom in the form of General George S Patton. Long before Captain Ramsey succinctly tells Commander Hunter how democracy really works on a nuclear submarine, I can assure you my father was quite in agreement that his job was to defend democracy but he had no desire to practise it at home.
So try to imagine for a moment a brand new father holding what I felt was a right sizeable baby in my arms (and compared to Nicholas’ fellow guests in the NICU, he was right huge which we continued to believe until he was tested in his car seat prior to discharge!).
My model for being a father was an amalgam of three TV characters portrayed by a father who had the toughest gig the United States Armed Forces can offer (being a single parent), little recent practical experience on what to do once we’re past the holding / feeding / diapering tasks, and now I’ve got this little bundle in my arms who not only is wholly dependent on me but for a distressingly long amount of time is likely to think I know what I’m doing.
Cue Alan Shepard’s prayer. Repeat many times until peace and balance is restored.
Dear Lord, please don’t let me f*** up!
Alan Shepard just prior to becoming the first American in space aboard Mercury capsule Freedom 7 – 05 May 1961
Almost before I knew it, Nicholas had discovered walking and talking and how to terrorise us to within an inch of our sanity and then in January of 2005, our lives were irrevocably changed with the arrival of Alexander.
We had no idea what was to come over the following years with him. Alex actually made it home from his initial stay in hospital after being delivered quicker than Nicholas but not too long afterward Alex would end up back in hospital at the start of a harrowing journey that would involve two major brain surgeries before he was two years old and many years of therapies and special education services (and more challenges and setbacks than we really wish to think of along the way).
When I look at him now 18 years later and see just how far he’s come in spite of so many challenges and roadblocks and that he’s managed to find his voice and his way in this world with such grace as I could never imagine. I’m quite sure his smile and social butterfly personality certainly didn’t come from me.
He’s also forgotten more about the concept of courage than I can ever hope to know.
And now I find myself staring down the barrel of our beautiful daughter turning 17 in about six weeks and wondering where in the hell did that adorable little baby girl we called “Princess Bruiser” got off to that now we’ve got a determined young lady now entering her senior year in high school and moving heaven and earth to reach out her hand and bend her destiny to her will.
I wouldn’t bet against her if I were you.
Nicholas at 20 has found his way and his place mending Toyotas in the Leith Toyota service department and finishing his degree from Wake Tech by day and occasionally doing beer league hockey at night. And I can’t remember when I’ve ever seen him happier or me being so proud of the 180 he’s managed since graduating from high school.
Don’t get me wrong…I do appreciate the kind wishes on Father’s Day and the thoughtful presents more than I may let on. And even though my upbringing in the military was such that being the centre of attention was precisely what you *DID NOT EVER WANT TO HAPPEN TO YOU, EVER*, I also appreciate spending time together to celebrate another year of surviving the hardest job I’ve ever held, hands down.
But when I say that all I really ever need on the day is a nice hug and an “I love you” from these three kids who are the most precious people in my universe, I am very sincere in my beliefs on that subject.
After all, that was all my father ever really wanted from me.
I had figured out what he knew all along that the most precious gifts I’ve ever gotten were the three children who love me for (and occasionally in spite of!) who I am and who likely understand me better than anyone else on this planet ever will even if they might not yet believe that themselves.
I’m not worried…they’ve got time to figure it out and maybe then they’ll laugh when they see that quote.
Goodness knows I often do. 🙂
Understanding what my father was trying to tell me is the Father’s Day gift that keeps on giving from him even though he no longer walks amongst us.
As is being amazed at how much he’d learnt in his time… 😉
And so I’ll leave it here with this actual Mark Twain quote ruminating on fatherhood…
It is a wise child that knows its own father, and an unusual one that unreservedly approves of him.
Mark Twain