Normally, I can knock out the annual Christmas message in about a hour or so…just sit down at the keyboard here in The Nerdery and just let my thoughts rip through my fingers and into the WordPress blog.
This isn’t going to be one of those stories and I’ve been thinking about how I wanted this one to go for at least the last three weeks.
I’ll understand if you’re of a mind to pull the ripcord and bail out now but I promise you it will end up in a much happier place than where the story starts but sometimes the best endings are found by wandering through some somewhat dark places.
Soooooo…still with me? Good! I’ve got Kenny Loggins’ “Celebrate Me Home” spinning on WFOX so cue up your favourite track and come along for the ride! 🙂
My Ideal Christmas
There is a fundamental tension in the universe between that which takes and that which gives and most people tend to fall somewhere on the spectrum in between one the extremes.
But for some of us, despite the universe’s general preference for balance, we are much more comfortable and happy at one extreme or the other and I’ve always felt that my place was to serve everyone else’s needs before worrying about my own.
A large part of that comes from an unofficial year intensely studying the Army’s Command and General Staff doctrine as my father was taking the real classes at Ft Leavenworth KS where one of the things you learn is that the art of command is often the acceptance of the responsibility of serving those who would look to you for leadership. Your job is to do everything you possibly can to keep your unit well fed, well equipped and armed, mentally fit, and focused on the mission…their lives depend on you accepting that failure just isn’t an option.
That was certainly a huge wake up call for an eight year-old that arguably changed the trajectory of my life forever.
But beyond that and for many reasons more that I could fill at least ten volumes, it’s always felt much more natural and fulfilling to move heaven and earth to tend to the needs of others.
For me, this is not a fate of sadness and woe (even though I’m a Wednesday’s child) but rather one of joy even if it may not necessarily seem so at the time.
This is why I’d always be that one who would annoy the hell out of everyone else when it was time to open gifts by allowing the pile to continuously grow at my feet whilst being engrossed in watching the reactions of everyone else to their gifts, often with a camera in hand.
For me, having a part (no matter how great or small) in granting the dreams and wishes of others was far more satisfying a gift than anything that would come wrapped in a pretty package.
So when I say that all I ever need for Christmas is a big hug and good wishes for the festive season, I mean it with all of my heart.
Don’t get me wrong…this does not mean that I don’t appreciate gifts that come my way.
Whilst it’s certainly true that I’m at a point in my life where I *NEED* little more than a roof over my head, the freedom and ability to go where I will when I wish it, and the basic necessities of life and really *WANT* nothing beyond that, I do appreciate when someone finds it in their heart to give me a gift inspired of their heart and soul more than they will ever know but not for lack of trying on my part. 🙂
But if I could design my ideal Christmas, it’d be having a cozy little corner with a camera in hand and just enjoying the show where everyone else is happy and joyful and the cares and struggles of the world seem a million miles away even for a brief time.
And of course, I’m going to cue up the black and white version of “It’s A Wonderful Life” at least once during the season.
Some Years Are Decidedly More Like Pottersville Than Bedford Falls
“It’s my job to see that the chips stay up!”
Sir Bernard Woolley when asked by the Rt Hon James Hacker MP whose side Bernard would be on when the chips were down.
That in a nutshell has been the operational concept for the year which was made decidedly more challenging when the Traverse’s transmission decided that torque converting was for losers round Grandpa’s birthday last year and it’s been an exercise in trying to survive ever since.
There have been more than a few times this year that I truly wondered if I were going to make it to the next month.
If I’ve seemed somewhat distracted of late, it’s because I was really wondering how in the hell I was going to do anything meaningful for Christmas for my three kids who I love more than all the money in the Two Worlds that could ever be imagined when I was making my closest pass to financial oblivion yet this year.
Honestly, I think that was far more emotionally draining than the advent of that anniversary of my father’s passing I could truly do without.
It’s funny (well, if you’re into dark humour that is!) how trying desperately to think of a worthy gift for the ones I vowed to serve to my last breath in spite of a rather depressing reality was what it took to put that day on the proverbial back burner.
That was rock bottom right there…staring failure at what I felt was my most basic duty right in the face to do right by my children so they could enjoy the day as it ought to be.
Bingo! And A Bit Of Inspiration…
Every now and then, inspiration and salvation can seem to come from the most unexpected directions.
In my case, it was visiting the Knights of Columbus on bingo night and having a conversation in the little bar with Miss Crystal that got me thinking of how to solve that problem in a different way.
Miss Crystal is truly a lovely soul who (like Alex!) has probably forgotten more about the concept of courage than I can ever hope to know. She has a way of accepting her many challenges with a grace many of us should emulate and has a caring heart for others that just has to be experienced to be believed.
And I thought *I* was a bookworm but I’ll confess that I’m a mere amateur compared to her voracious reading habits!
Anywho, it was just the two of us talking for a bit whilst everyone else was off getting the bingo session going right about the time I was feeling lower than a snake’s belly and so I started talking in general terms about wanting to do better by the kids than I felt I was going to.
In the course of that conversation where confession was truly good for this soul, she inspired an idea of how I might well make the chips stay up after all.
When I got back home, I fired up Lightroom and wouldn’t you know it…the solution had been in front of me all along and I’d been too distracted by finances and pressures of the world to see it for myself. I went out to the kitchen and took a look up and in an instant I knew *EXACTLY* what I needed to do to get myself back to Bedford Falls.
It wouldn’t take showering them with a mountain of presents. But it would take something much harder…
There is a scene in an episode of “Girl Meets World” that never fails to bring me to tears where Cory is teaching a lesson on forgiveness and Maya writes a letter to her estranged father who had left her and her mother years ago because he wasn’t emotionally ready for a family and a daughter.
Her father comes and meets with her and she confesses the anger and sadness at how broken she’s felt for years as a result and has finally come to peace with the fact that it wasn’t her fault. But she’s not able to get all the way to forgiveness and goes back into the bakery to tell Cory that she had failed the assignment.
Maya: I’m sorry. I failed. I know you wanted me to forgive him, but I didn’t. I couldn’t do it. You were wrong about this one, Mr. Matthews.
Cory: I never expected that, Maya. That kind of forgiveness, it doesn’t come so easy. But life is a long time, and I hope you get there someday. But that’s never what I was looking for right now.
Maya: What did you want from me?
Cory: Maya, did you forgive yourself?
I get Maya in ways that it would be hard to explain if you weren’t there. I know that anger and sadness and definitely remember blaming myself for years that Mom and Dad’s marriage had failed. I can laugh now about how stupid a conclusion that was for a kid that everyone said was so intelligent but at the time and from a six year-old’s perspective, they had a marriage before me and didn’t have one afterward so what had changed?
It was logical as far as I could tell.
It was also breathtakingly stupid and for many years I had felt broken and unworthy and to this day there are still faint echoes that keep trying to drag me back to that hellish existence.
It’s hard as hell writing this through the tears right now. That scene never fails to bring them for events fifty years ago!
Looking through the Lightroom catalog for the pictures I wanted, it became crystal clear that I needed to stop beating myself up for what I couldn’t do and realise that what I’d done through the past year was far more meaningful than anything I’d ever be able to buy in a store.
I had to forgive myself for forgetting that just being there for them when I’ve been needed to serve their needs is a gift of the heart that will be remembered decades after I’ve finally gone to the sea.
It was right there in the Lightroom catalog all along.
Yes, the money was really tight and I still had some doubts at the time about making the end of the month bills but what I was planning to do didn’t need a whole lot of money at least up front. A couple of hours later, I’d picked the images I wanted and knew what I wanted to do with them.
For the first time in a while, I felt there would be a chance to have as ideal a Christmas this year as I can.
All it will take is six photo prints and a bit of writing. Stay tuned! 🙂
Ring That Bell!
In the two weeks since that bit of revelation, the stress has dropped off tremendously thanks to the pressure of a massive bill that was looming in January now being completely sorted and it looks like I’ll be able to make it another month in what has become a life that looks an awful lot like “It’s A Wonderful Life” hooked up with the “Payday” game and this is what came of it.
Right now, that’s fine enough by me to find some measure happiness in my little corner of Bedford Falls.
That’s all I really need. Really! 🙂
Well, that and knowing that the kids, family, and friends who I am honoured to share this third rock from the sun with are the greatest gift I could ever hope to have.
May you and yours have a happy and safe festive season and a new year filled with light and joy. 🙂